addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
why is it so hard?
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
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it's like you're trying so hard. putting in so much effort- everything you've got. but yet... yet things don't seem to be improving. your hard work does not pay off. i always thought that hard work = result. but no, lately i've been proven wrong. all along i thought i never did well in anything because i never tried hard enough. but now it's past that. now i'm trying so hard, the hardest i can ever remember. what do i get? i get disappointment, failure and regret.
i wish so hard that i could do better. because then i wouldn't be letting others down as well. but i just don't know how. am i really that incapable? what exactly do i lack? why do i always end up feeling so inferior. it's like i don't deserve what i'm given. since i can't make much out of it.
i used to get really bad nightmares for quite a while sometime back. last night i got another one of those. these nightmares are really traumatic. i usually wake up feeling like crap and really really affected. they always seem so real. i don't know what this one meant, and that's what makes it all the more frightening. what kind of subliminal thoughts am i having.. that caused such a terrible terrible nightmare.
argh. i really am so lost. i've lost all self-control and if anyone were to see me binge eating they'd know how crappy i am feeling. i swear i could eat a whole pot of rice, many loaves of bread and loads of other stuff. and now i'm just a blob of fat. wonder why i'm always so fat grrrr. my motivation is that after week10 i can spend all my time training and losing weight. but week10 just seems like it'll never come.
it's like you want something so badly. you're trying so hard. but no, you can't reach it... for some strange reason. maybe i wasn't meant for any of this...
:(